The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 13

April 18, 2014

Republisher’s Note: Even if you haven’t read one word of the rest of the story, read tonight’s. This is basically the conversation they must have had off screen somewhere after Carmen revealed Drew slept with Danny.

Author’s Note: This story is NC-17.

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH  Chapter 13 - An Illusion of Control

“I can’t take it back.” My voice is heavy with regret. He nods and looks away. “Danny, I can’t take it back, just I like I can’t take away what happened that night on this beach. I can’t take away his death, or the fact that Drew was here and I never told you.” I seem to have lost the capacity for tears. My throat is sore, but my eyes are drying.”We have both made so many mistakes, done so many things that we can’t — ” and I look up at him, needing him to look at me and he is already gazing straight at me. “We can’t just take it all back.””If we could,” he says softly.”If we could, I never would have killed your brother, but then would I have met you? I wouldn’t have called the FBI. You wouldn’t have slept with Drew. So many things, Danny, we’re only human, we make mistakes. You do. I do. And last night, I made a mistake, I said something in my grief in my guilt that I didn’t mean. You have to know how much I love you.”He shakes his head back and forth. I don’t know what to say then. I am at a loss.

“I know you love me,” he finally speaks, “but it hurts because when you said that last night, I felt it. I believed it. I still do.”

And then the tears return. And I am once again helpless to stop them.

“I love you so much.” His voice is so soft, its nearly a whisper and I can hear the tears choking his voice. “Michelle, I love you….” I love you too, I think, but do not say. “I would give anything for you, to be with, do anything and I look at you sometimes and I think, it’s not the same for you. I wonder: when is she gonna leave me? When is she gonna walk away? When is she gonna realize that she doesn’t really love me? I question that you love me every single day of my life, of course I believed you last night. How could I not?”

______________________

He is quiet and so I am. The moments pass by and the air around us goes thick with words spoken and unspoken. Finally, he sits down in front of me, his hands gripping fists of sand. I look up at him, but his gaze is directed downwards.

“Danny, Aunt Meta told me something once.” My voice is surprisingly steady. Perhaps he looks up because of this. My eyes are clear and I see his face without the veil of tears.

“She told me that its better when a man loves a woman just a little bit more. I never forgot that, thought it made sense and besides it’s always been the case for me.” I smile slightly, not in joy or bitterness, just in acknowledgment.”I’ve known Bill since we were practically born and everyone thought we would be together someday, marry, have 2.5 kids, the picket fence, the dog in front of the fireplace. The whole nine yards, you know?”

He nods, but I can see the confusion in his eyes still, he is listening. He is listening to me.

“It worked in theory, you know, because Bill always liked me better. I was in control. I made the decisions; I had the final say. But then we grew up and I didn’t like him that way, and maybe he still liked me, but I was in control. I had the final say and so the scenario changed. I knew a few other guys, but Jesse was my first real boyfriend and it was the same with him. I was in control. He loved me just a little bit more. And that was how it should be. And I believed that that is how it was with you.”

I look down, my gaze trapped by the gentle patterns he is making in the sand. “I love you, but I wanted to believe that you loved me just that little bit more,” and a silent tear slips from my eye, “because that meant I was in control. I couldn’t be hurt … not really. Not completely.”

I stop and let out a heavy sigh. “I’ve never talked about this; I’ve never wanted to. It’s been easier – so much easier – to just keep it locked away.”

“Michelle?” his voice is quiet, just the slightest tremble in the word. I shut my eyes tight, a few more tears spilling forth and then I open them, looking at my husband.

“My mother loved my father so much. She was already a forgiving woman, but for him, she went the extra mile she was willing to forgive him just about anything. She loved him so much. His late hours, his dedication to his patients that often superseded the needs of his family, his affairs, his alcoholism…. she forgave him, she supported him, she accepted him completely.”

I laugh lightly and look up into the sky. The stars are so bright, the moon glowing like a beacon and I think that I can feel my soul being cleansed the same pristine color as I speak. “I never told you this, I don’t like to talk about it, but I was conceived out of one of my father’s affairs.”

I glance at him quickly to catch his reaction – his expression does not change. He looks reflective, he is listening to me. Truly listening to what I am saying and hearing what I mean, what is behind the words.

“So Maureen Bauer is not…” he begins.

“-my birth mother. No, she’s not. Claire Ramsey is my birth mother’s name. Basically, she was a lousy mother, so lousy that after my mother — Maureen, that is – forgave my father, they petitioned the courts for full custody and it was granted and Maureen adopted me. I don’t know even know what Claire Ramsey looks like now. I saw her picture once. She wasn’t my mother.”

I look away again as I ask him, “do you know how my mother died?”

“A car accident, right?”

I look at him,” technically yes. My mother died in a car accident. But do you know why she was in that car?”

“No,” he says softly as he shakes his head.

“She had just found out that he had an affair with Lillian Raines, one my mother’s best friends. I was upstairs in my room, covering my ears, trying not to hear their fighting. Her cries, the pain in her voice. His useless, stupid defense. Lillian was sick, Lillian needed a friend. Lillian needed comfort.” I laugh and it comes out harsher than I intended, as do my next words, “just like Drew.”

______________________

My eyes follow the sudden tightening of his hands, but I don’t take the words back. I couldn’t if I tried. “It hurt me so much, because it wasn’t just a drunken, one night stand, not to me. Just like my father, you slept with a friend when she needed comfort.”

“No,” and he looks up at me. “No,” he repeats with more vehemence in his voice. “Not because she needed comfort. I didn’t care about her. I cared about me – I cared about what you had done to me. It had nothing to do with her – and it certainly wasn’t the first or second or hundredth in a line of affairs. I am NOT your father. If I had believed once during that night that you cared about me just a little, that our marriage had even the slightest chance of working I wouldn’t have touched her.”

I close my eyes, nodding my head. “I know. I know that now, but then, that’s all I could think of, but I couldn’t tell you that. I couldn’t tell you all of it why it hurt me so much, Danny.”

“Why not? Why couldn’t you tell me? Why now?” There is so much confusion in his eyes, in his voice and I realize how much I have held back from him without ever meaning to, but I had.

“I couldn’t give myself to you completely. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t give you the power to hurt me like my father hurt my mother. I refused to allow that I could love you as much as you loved me – I needed that extra bit that you gave me. I needed my control.”

“But last night, when Nino,” and I stop, his face and then his lifeless body swarming before my eyes. I breathe in and out, trying to hold on to the words I need to tell my husband, trying to escape the horror of what I’d done. And then Danny’s hand is on my arm, he doesn’t take me into his embrace, but he touches me and that contact is enough to give me back my equilibrium.

“It’s hard,” I say shakily. “It just keeps hitting me, you know? What I did.”

He nods and the rubbing on my arm lightens until it is just a caress, a soft, soothing caress. Neither one of us speaks and the mood shifts slightly in the air. I find myself swaying towards him and our eyes meet. His are dark and smoky and I want him, I want to be with him with everything in me but I can’t.

I tear my gaze away, and hear his sigh as he drops his arm.

“What about Nino?” he asks shakily.

I am silent for a moment, searching for my train of thought. My mother. Nino. Control. My control. “When Nino called and he said that he was going to kill you, something inside of me snapped and I didn’t even realize it. I didn’t. But I do now. I realized it this afternoon. Cassie asked me if loving you, if the good times were worth the bad times and I knew they were without doubt, I knew.”

“And I knew that I said those things last night because I wanted to hurt you. I wanted to make myself not love you so much. I wanted my control back. See, that’s what snapped, that’s what I lost. Or maybe it was always just an illusion. An illusion that I’ve held onto for so long because when you slept with Drew, when you did that, it was my father all over again.”

“I get that, Michelle, I do. I get that now, but -”

“-Danny,” I have to cut him off, because he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t. It’s not about Drew. It’s not even about my father and his affairs. “Last night, what I said to you – it was because of the realization that I did love you, I loved you as much as you loved me. I would do anything, ANYTHING for you. I was just like my mother. And those words came from that twelve-year old girl who heard her mother’s heart breaking – not from the woman who loves you now.”

 

Guiding Light Cast Round Up 65

April 17, 2014

This is the sixty-fifth in an irregular feature where we will report updates on what cast members of Guiding Light are doing now. I’m playing catch up on some soap magazine news. So as a reminder you can buy back issues:

http://glmanny.wordpress.com/2010/11/27/faq-back-issues

Nico and Marina’s storyline was featured as March 10, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth’s 10 years ago column.

Crystal Hunt (Lizzie Spaulding Lewis #5 brought in Roxie the dog and romanced Coop) and Justin Klosky (ex-Joey Lupo, part of Alan’s Spaulding intern contest [he re-invented a device he hadn't bothered to check was already on the market] and the apex of the Tammy-Joey-Lizzie triangle that Phillip threatened out of town during Phillip’s temporary decent into madness) are featured in the All-Star Scrapbook feature in the March 10, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.

Bethany Joy Lenz (Michelle Bauer Santos) has been filming SongByrd. We have photos.
http://bjldailygallery.sosugary.com/thumbnails.php?album=107&page=5
Also from  50th Annual CAS Awards From The Cinema Audio Society [22-02-14]
http://bjldailygallery.sosugary.com/thumbnails.php?album=112

Paula Garces (Pilar Santos) has posted another blog post: “Mam Oral Care Rabbit – Everything you need for your baby’s first teeth | ¿Qué Más?”
http://quemas.mamaslatinas.com/parenting/123658/everything_you_need_for_your
Garces tweeted “Mar 15 Come see me Tonight @PurlieuNYC for my Birthday celebration! Hope to see you soon Xo pic.twitter.com/vLv9DhKJiF “

Denise Pence (Katie Parker, Floyd’s sister and Hillary Bauer’s best friend)  shared her first blog post.
http://denisepence.blogspot.com/2014/02/katie-grows-up.html

Rick Hearst (Alan-Michael Spaulding #3) returned to his General Hospital role of Sonny’s brother, Ric. Read all about it in the March 10, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.

Paul Wesley (Max Nickerson #2, Drew Jacob’s foster brother) attended Paleyfest.
@paleycenterPaul Wesley has arrived at #Paleyfest! #TVD pic.twitter.com/u2ehmB9eKf

Kevin Bacon (T.J. Werner #2) did a special opening for The Tonight Show in honor of the 30th anniversary of his movie Footloose.
http://www.nbc.com/the-tonight-show/video/kevin-bacons-footloose-entrance/2764458
Bacon was photographed at the Golden Globes with his wife Kyra Sedgwick and his daughter Sosie Bacon. See the photo in the March 10, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.

Karla Mosley (Christina Boudreau, with Remy, one of the last really good new couples in the final years of Guiding Light) was photographed at The Secret Room Events Hosts Red Carpet Style Lounge in honor of the Golden Globe. She was checking out dog toys. Find her photo in the March 10, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.
Mosley tweeted a photo. “Best picture in the history of pictures. W/ @aynsleybubbico & Reginald VelJohnson. #HartOfDixie “
https://twitter.com/karlamosley/status/447424489287340032/photo/1
Mosley and Lawrence Saint-Victor (Remy Boudreau) were nominated for NAACP Image Awards. See photos and read more in the March 24, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.
Mosley was the subject of “This or That” in the March 24, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth. She also reported that what she regrets Tweeting are typos. We all feel her pain. Read about it in the January 27, 2014 issue of Soap Opera Digest.

Tina Sloan (Lillian Raines) shared on Twitter. “Guiding Light great writer has book coming out April 1 People Magazine loves it I love it as well” She’s referring to Dorothy Must Die by former Guiding Light writer Danielle Page.

Laura Bell Bundy (Marah Lewis #5 who started Marony) recently tweeted: “@LauraBellBundy To all the people who didn’t think I actually cut/highlighted my hair at @Supercuts#proven pic.twitter.com/MpdzxgJdSC “

Robert Newman ‏@RobertNewmanGL (Josh Lewis) tweeted “Mar 15 Evidently, I’m in a play. Through March 30… pic.twitter.com/JA2KtztfYM “
 Mar 16 Nice to see @crystalchappell and @hillarybsmith tonight in NYC. Love both of these wonderful, smart, talented ladies. Have fun girls!”

Crystal Chappell (Olivia Spencer) is the subject of a feature interview in the the January 27, 2014 issue of Soap Opera Digest.

Cynthia Wartos (Annie Dutton #1) has to vacate her role on The Young and the Restless since her MTV series Finding Carter has been picked up.

Matt Bomer (Ben Reade #3)’s current USA Network series White Collar is coming back for a short series to create a finale.
http://www.deadline.com/2014/03/usa-white-collar-six-episode-final-season/#more-702478

Emme Rylan (previously credited as Marcy Rylan) (Lizzie Spaulding Lewis #6, part of the wonderful Bizzie pairing) recently tweeted a set photo from the General Hospital set with her current co-star.
@EmmeRylan  Mar 20 Lets get this party started! RT@domzfan: LOVE this ‘Wish Upon a Shooting Star’camera shot!!! @dom_zamprogna #GH pic.twitter.com/0hTNGVthnr “
Rylan shared a photo of her playing with her son Jackson at Christmas time in the Jan. 27, 2014 Soap Opera Digest.

Michelle Forbes (Sonni/Solita Lewis), Kevin Bacon (T.J. Werner #2)  and Hayden Panettiere (Lizzie Spaulding #2)  attended the Golden Globes. Find photos in the March 10, 2014  and March 24, 2014 issues of CBS Soaps in Depth. Bacon is pictured with his wife Kyra Sedgwick and daughter Sosie Bacon.

Allison Janney (Ginger, one of Jenna’s comic relief maids while she owned the Spaulding Mansion) and Ian Ziering (Cameron Stewart, one of the original Dinah, Alan-Michael, and Harley quad) attended the People’s Choice Awards. See photos in the March 10, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.

Tom Pelphrey (Jonathan Randall) is starring in the movie Junction. See photos of him at the premiere in the March 10, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.

Frances Fisher (Suzette Saxon #2, Fisher took over the role for 6 months in early 1980s) talks about her soap experience on Guiding Light and The Edge of Night and her new show Resurrection in the March 10, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.

Zach Conroy (James Spaulding #2, part of the lovely Jaisy pairing) was part of a round up in the March 24, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth. He says Rescuers Down Under was the first movie he ever saw in the theater. Conroy was featured in a two page spread in a roundup on supporting characters for his The Bold and the Beautiful role in the January 27, 2014 issue of Soap Opera Digest.

Laura Wright (Cassie Layne #1) shared a photo of her and her daughter Lauren in the Jan. 27, 2014 issue of Soap Opera Digest.

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 12

April 17, 2014

Republisher’s Note: Michelle tracks down Danny.

Author’s Note: This story is NC-17.

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 12 - The Long Walk into His Arms

The straps of my heels dangle loosely from my fingers as I make way to the spot where Mick died – where I killed him. I haven’t been here since the evening of January 8th, almost a year ago.

I pause, thinking of that date – January 8th. January 8th was my wedding day, I think in shock for a moment. Truly it was, yet I never think of it so. I glance down at my white dress, sparkling in the moonlight and realize that it was the July 2nd ceremony at Laurel Falls with just Danny and myself, Ray officiating, that is my heart’s wedding day the day I will remember fifty years from now.

I wonder what day Danny will remember if he’ll want to remember at all. I glance ahead at the upcoming turn of the path, wondering if I’m ready for this. Wondering again why I am so sure that he is here. Why would he be here? I’ve asked myself that question over and over during the drive the same question that Cassie had asked.

I just told myself the same thing I’d said to her. I just know. He is here.

And here I am and I am frozen, unable to take another step towards him but I must. One step at a time. The sand shifts beneath my bare feet and each one seems to ease the heavy ache I am carrying. One step and then another and this is the longest walk I have ever taken, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on going because Danny will be there at the end.

______________________

His back is to me when I round the curve. He is sitting down; his head bent slightly, his fingers making angry dents in the sand. I pause in this moment to study him without his knowledge.

He is wearing his leather jacket and black pants. Sighing heavily, one hand rises and runs through those curls of his, grains of sand falling softly. I open my mouth to speak, but I don’t know what to say. I raise my foot to step forward, but find even that is too much for my cowardice to overcome.

“Mick really liked you,” his voice is emotionless and my first response is a helpless “oh” of startlement. Of course he would know that I am here. The connection goes both ways. “Did you know that?” he continues. “Did you know that he thought you were different too? I’d see him, meet up with him here and there – he was rarely at home. But those last couple of weeks, there was a new life in his step, a ready smile or smirk in his case.”

“He was such an asshole. I knew that of course, but he was my brother. I loved him. Just like you love your brother, right?” And then he turns and looks at me at last. “Right? You love your brother even if he’s an asshole?”

Everything in me wants to look away from the pain in his red-rimmed eyes. Everything, but I can not. I will not.

“I guess that’s family,” I manage to whisper.

“Yeah, family.” And then he looks away, back out to the undulating waves of the ocean. “He would talk about you, about your blond curls, that luscious mouth, a body that wouldn’t quit. He’d tell me how much he hated Jesse, hated the fact that Jesse got to fuck you on a regular basis.”

I wince at the vulgarity, but if he notices he doesn’t show it.

“He wanted you so much. He’d tell me his Goddamn wet dreams about you. And when I saw you for the first time I mean alone, when you were sitting at the table all by yourself, those curls wild and falling all over that place. You were wearing a tight sweater, I think it was red or pink,” he glances over at me and smiles – a genuine smile, “probably pink,” and then his smile fades and he looks away again. “Anyway, I looked at you and I thought of Mick’s fantasies about ripping your clothes off, awakening the wild woman beneath that Quaker girl front.”

He looks back down at the sand. “That’s what he called you. A Quaker girl. And I thought, I thought at first before you told me what really happened that night….” and then he laughs, “not that you really told me what happened that night.”

“Danny…” I begin, but he holds his hand up and I fall silent.

“I thought that Mick was onto something, about you, I mean. That maybe behind those angry words about Mick, that supposed dislike that you wanted him too or maybe just someone else, a lot of someone else’s. Maybe it was all just a facade. The way you would look at me some times, the way you didn’t react to my kiss. Do you remember the first time I kissed you?” And he looks at me again.

I nod helplessly. My mind drifting back to that day outside the diner. The way he walked up to me, the feel of his hand wrapped around my neck, the hard, yet soft brush of his lips against mine, the urgent pressure his thumb applied to my cheek, the amazing sensations that flitted through my body physical, sexual sensations that I had never come close to feeling before.

“I expected you to push me away, to hit me, to yell at me. I expected anger, disgust, but you didn’t do that, any of that. You just stood there and let me, more than let me, your lips moved beneath mine, soft and giving and I had to pull away because I – I was losing myself, I wanted to keep on kissing you forever and that wasn’t the objective. See, I just wanted to shake you up, but you shook me up because I thought that you would have let me go on kissing you.”

He looks away again and rises to his feet, his back to me. “But I thought, I thought maybe Mick was right about you. You claimed to not want to have anything to do with me, but your actions, the way you would look at me some times, the way you let me kiss you, touch you , didn’t say that didn’t reject me and I’d think, is this what she did to Mick? I mean, no wonder she drove him so crazy. You were driving me crazy.”

“Danny,” I try again and his stance stiffens, but I go on none-the-less. “It was different with you. It was always different – “

“-I know that.” And he turns to me. “I know that now, I knew after the night on the beach, Thanksgiving, the fear in your eyes, in your voice when you said that Jesse didn’t even know what he’d done to you. I knew that you were scared of him. And when you said that to me, when you told me something that you hadn’t even told Jesse, I knew then that it was me. The same way I felt about you, you felt it too, you just denied it a hell of a lot longer than I did.”

I take a step towards him. “Yes, I did. But I’m not now. I haven’t in a long time. I love you, Danny.”

“Yeah,” he turns to face me, bitterness drawn in his face. “You love me so much that you would give anything not to love me.” And then he laughs, a harsh, painful laugh.

______________________

I want to run to him. I want to just take him into my arms and hold him close forever, take away his pain. I actually step towards him and perhaps my intention is on my face because he turns from me quickly and his body shudders as he painfully whispers “no.”

And so I stop.

“Danny, I’m sorry.” And I can feel the tickling in the back of my nose, my throat, the prickling behind my eyes, the painful heat as the tears beg to fall. “I’m so sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. I love you. I love you so much. I love you more than anything, more than anyone ever in my life. I would never give up what we have, what I have in you.”

And then I do step forward and although the shifting of the sands is slight, he hears my approach and his body stiffens. Again, I stop. “Danny, I am so sorry. If I could take it back,” and then the tears break free and I am crying, trying to speak over the sobs building in my throat. I step to him and reach out, my hand brushing against the leather and he shrugs me off. “Go home, Michelle.”

“No, Danny, look at me. You’ve GOT to look at me.”

He shakes his head slowly and it is too much. He needs to meet me halfway. It’s not as if he is perfect. Damnit, he’s made mistakes too and the frustration that has been building in me all day, the remaining anguish and guilt from the docks, all of it rushes through me. He has to look at me.

“LOOK AT ME!” I scream and he does; he turns to face me and there are wet tracks on his face. He angrily brushes them away and looks at the space above my head. “Danny, I love you! I didn’t mean it. I swear, I didn’t mean what I said.”

His eyes close, “you did -” his voice is hard and I interrupt frantically, “no, I didn’t. I was crazy, I was stupid, but I didn’t mean what I said.”

And then he finally looks at me, his eyes as hard as his voice is no longer. His voice shakes and the tremble is from anger and pain and I don’t know. I don’t know. “You did. You were at your mother’s grave. You wouldn’t lie when you were standing on her grave. You wouldn’t do that. You were upset, right? Right?”

“Yes! Yes! But that doesn’t mean -”

“- it does! Michelle, it does! You weren’t thinking of protecting me or my feelings, you were speaking from the heart. You don’t want to love me. I make you miserable-”

“No!” I close my eyes. I try to breathe, try to control my emotions, try to find the words to make him understand. “No,” I repeat quietly. “You’re wrong. I was wrong. I do love you,” and I pause and then he jumps in.

“Yes, you love me, Michelle” and his voice is bitter and the way he says my name is like a curse, “but,” and he steps towards me, towering over me, his eyes meeting mine completely for the first time that night, “you wish to God that you didn’t.”

I shake my head back and forth as he steps away. “Go home, Michelle,” he mutters again, his voice dead once more and he turns away.

“What do I have to do? What do I have to say to convince you? I was wrong! Okay,” and I reach out and grab his arm, pulling at it with all my strength, forcing him to face me. “I was wrong!” and the tears are garbling my words. He jerks his arm back and I fall to the ground, on my knees. I fall down on all fours, my breathing ragged, my heart broken.

“What do you want me to say?” I demand of the ground and he doesn’t respond. I push myself back up and gaze at him. I kneel before him on my knees, desperation awash in my gaze. “Do you want me to beg you for forgiveness? I’ll beg. I’ll do whatever you want. Just believe me.” The tears continue falling and they are hot, so hot and so thick that I can barely see. “I love you. I love you, Danny. I was wrong. What do I have to do? Tell me, just tell me and I’ll do it.”

He looks down at me and the pain I know that is on my face is mirrored on his and his voice is hoarse and husky and filled with more anguish than I’ve ever heard.

“Take it back. Make it so that you never said those words to me. Take it back, Michelle.”

Odds and Ends 35

April 16, 2014

While looking for Guiding Light information, I sometimes find things that I think are of interest relating to other soaps. This collection of Odds and Ends related to various soaps that someone may want to know some time. Look for another odds and ends post soon.

Matthew Smith ‏@kyleo71  recently tweeted that he has discovered Germany has a soap opera set in the world of figure skating. It’s called “Alles was zählt” (All That Matters).

Doug Davidson (Paul Williams on The Young and the Restless) recently tweeted out a photo of Paul and Lauren from when they were couple.
https://twitter.com/DougDavidsonYR/status/447190632994312193/photo/1
A great moments clip of Paul and Lauren.
@RealMissPiggy  Mar 21  of the Muppets tweeted “Kermiggy is honored to be on the cover of Vague as the #UniversesMostTalkedAboutCouple! (But who’s surprised?)” pic.twitter.com/EtiqYO51rW
@FredBC77  Mar 20 tweeted “First day on the set of Castle shared by Terri Edda… #BTS @Stana_Katic @NathanFillion @tamalajones #socute “pic.twitter.com/GdG2zd8q7f
nuVilly set photos from The Young and the Restless:
https://twitter.com/YRFan82/status/445053133853454336/photo/1
Soap Opera Darling Real Life Couple  Arianne Zucker (Nicole Walker) and husband Kyle Lowder (ex-Brady Black, DAYS; ex-Rick Forrester, B&B) have sadly announced their divorce. They had previously separated and then reunited and have a child.
http://soapcentral.com/days/news/2014/0327-zucker_divorce.php
As the World Turns couple Jon Lindstrom (Craig Montgomery) and Cady McClain (Roseanna Cabot) made it official in real life on Feb. 14, 2014. See more in the March 24, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.
Jasam – Jason Morgan and Sam McCall of General Hospital were the only soap opera couple who achieved enough write in votes to be included in People’s Choice Poll about most romantic TV couples of all time. Considering a couple on a niche, cult show, The Vampire Diaries, Klaus and Caroline one wonders on the accuracy but cheers to the GH fans who got Jasam included. Read more in the March 24, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth.
According to the March 24, 2014 issue of CBS Soaps in Depth, Kari (Katie Logan and Ridge Forrester) bonded over “Love’s Philosophy” by Percy Bysshe Shelley.
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/180605
The January 27, 2014 issue of Soap Opera Digest had an answer to an “Ask Us” question about Jill Foster Fenimore on The Young and the Restless. I’m bulleting their answer below, but find the whole answer with more details in Soap Opera Digest. The ones that are still held legal marked with an *.
  • 1975 – Brock Reynolds (Kay’s son) – remained unconsummated and ultimately annulled
  • 1975 – Phillip Chancellor II (deathbed ceremony) – Kay got their divorce reversed after his death and nullified the union
  • 1978 – *Stuart Brooks (her mother’s then boyfriend) – Ended in divorce in a few months
  • 1978 – Derek Thurston (then Kay’s widower) – Nullified when Kay returned from the dead
  • 1982 – *John Abbott – Divorced in 1985
  • 1990 – Rex Sterling (divorced from Kay) – Nullified when proved Kay hadn’t signed the papers, the woman who stole her life had
  • 1993 – *John Abbott – Divorced 1996
  • 2003 – Colin Atkinson – Nullified, already married to someone else and married under false circumstances
  • 2014 – *Colin Atkinson – Blackmailed into it, but so far not challenged legally

The Young and the Restless posted a video of the three of the actors involved watching the fashion show that aired this week.
http://michaelfairmansoaps.com/news/elizabeth-hendrickson-greg-rikaart-melissa-claire-egan-watch-back-the-chloechelsea-fashion-show-catfight/2014/04/15/

Robansuefarm is the handle of one of Manny and Guiding Light‘s biggest fans following in her family’s footsteps of Guiding Light fandom since 1939. This blog is an effort to make it easy to find Guiding Light and especially Manny online. Check back here for her blog, find fanfic previews and fake WSPR newscasts on her YouTube, find podcasts that look back to old shows and audios of her fanfics on Blog Talk Radio, and finally follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 11

April 16, 2014

Republisher’s Note: More positive Cassie stuff tonight as Michelle looks for Danny.

Author’s Note: This story is NC-17.

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 11 - For Us

I call Pilar first. She hasn’t seen Danny and as far she knows he hasn’t been to the house. I swallow my pride and speak to Carmen as well. She too doesn’t know where he is.I set the phone down with a sigh. Lost and confused I turn to Cassie, “I was so sure he would be at his mother’s house.”She sits down next to me, “okay, but now you know he’s not there. So where else would he go?” She is trying so hard to be my voice of patience and sanity, but the knowledge that Danny is out there suffering because of me and I don’t know where he is, I can’t help him, is tearing me apart.I look at her, shaking my head. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I can’t think and then the tears overtake me again. “What have I done?” I cry out, my voice hoarse. I drop my head, the sobs now controlling my body. I wrap my arms tightly around my waist, my eyes sealed shut and I see his face in the graveyard under the soft light of the moon I see the anger and the pain God, how could I say those things when he was in so much pain when I was the one causing him that pain?

I tear open my eyes and Cassie is kneeling before me. Her face is blurry before my tear-filled eyes, “I caused him so much pain. I hurt him so much. How could I have done that to him? How could I have hurt him so badly? I love him.”

She rises up and wraps her arms around me, “Michelle,” her voice is soft, a soothing comfort,” it’s gonna be okay. I promise, it will be okay, you just have to find him. And when you do, he’ll understand. He will.” She pulls away and looks at me straight in the eye. “You just have to find him.”

______________________

I try the lighthouse, but there is no answer. I call Rick, catching him in his car and he swings by for me. Danny’s not there.

Ray. Abby. Bill. Matt. Josh. Jim. I call them all and then after I have exhausted our friends, I call Bernard and the other underworld figures I know by name. Following that, I resort to dialing every number in Danny’s address book.

Nothing.

No one has heard from him or seen him. I throw the phone down after hearing the hundredth no and glare at Cassie. “Just have to find him, right?” As the only witness to my pain and frustration, she is bearing the brunt of my roiling emotions. “Damnit!” I cry out and that heavy ache begins to grow in my chest, a tight pressure that just builds and builds. And the tears are sliding down my cheeks again, my world falling apart inside of me. I fall onto the sofa, deplete of anything other than pain.

“Michelle?” Cassie’s voice is hesitant as she sits beside me, “maybe you should call the police?”

I turn to look at her, “what are you suggesting?” I ask angrily.

She backs away slightly, “he might have gone drinking, and then a cop pulled him over for DUI. Wasn’t that his reaction the last time he….” her voice trails off.

“Left me? Walked away from me?” I close my eyes and dampen my anger. “No, he wouldn’t do that. Drink and drive, I mean. He just -” and then I stop abruptly, sitting up sharply. “Oh, God.” I get up and grab the fallen phone.

“Michelle? What?”

I swear to God I’ll kill her. And him. I’ll kill them both and then the phone drops from my suddenly slack hand before I’ve even finished dialing Drew’s number.

Nino’s face, his malicious leer forming between the bruises, flashes in my mind and then Mick. Mick. I have killed. Twice, I have. I press a shaky hand to my mouth, breathing in shallow gasps. I remember the sound of the bullet ripping into Nino’s body, the impact as he fell onto the concrete. The horrified shock on Mick’s face as death overtook him, the sand flying up around him .

And then suddenly my breathing catches. I drop my hand and look up at Cassie, my eyes wide.

“I know,” I whisper softly.

I know where he is and my guilt is suspended as the certainty blooms within me.

I know where he is.

______________________

I gaze at my reflection in the mirror. I left the curls alone today, my hair pulled back on both sides with butterfly combs. Danny always preferred my hair natural. My eyes are bright – partly due to the make-up, partly to the anxiousness, fear and hope running rampant through my body. I chose red lipstick. I don’t know why, I often wear pink, but my fingers seemed to reach for and turn the tube of Scarlet Dreams without thought. So lips of Scarlet Dreams it is.

I run my hands down my dress, curving over my body. I hadn’t intended to grab this dress, but again my mind wasn’t in control when I picked it. I suppose it was my heart. It is the white dress — snug and fitted — that I wore to Laurel Falls, the day we renewed our wedding vows.

I close my eyes for a minute, lost in remembrance of our wedding day.

The sun was shining so brightly, golden rays blushing through the green leaves, creating patterns upon the branches and tree trunks. We were getting married again – renewing our vows. I was filled with a happiness and peace I’d never before known. I looked up at him — my husband — and that same joy, that same serenity was all around him.

“When we got married the first time in front of everybody and we kissed, I was fighting it but I just realized that I was falling in love with you and I know it’s gonna last forever.”

I had to smile, remembering his vows on that day, how handsome he looked, how I knew somewhere inside of me that this man would love me forever.

“I want to promise my love for you before God right here.” He said quietly, speaking of love as he hadn’t that day so long ago.

“Me too, me too. And you know what’s so great about this? I am already yours and I always will be. We just get to say it again!” The joy, the thrill of being with him, in the setting of my childhood dreams was almost more than my body could take. I had never known, never dreamed such happiness was possible.

” Just us,” he intoned quietly.

And I had to agree, “just for us.”

And he repeated my words, “just for us,” with a smile beaming on his face.

“For us,” I say to myself softly as my eyes open and I face my reflection once more.

For us.

Danny Proposes March 19-20 2001

April 15, 2014

UPDATE: This clip should have been in the last episode guide post.

Mon., March 19, 2001 – At Bauers: Michelle is walking around the house talking to the baby. She tells him things will work out now that they have his Daddy back and she will do all she can for him. There is a knock at the door, it’s May. May claims to be there to bring a baby gift. It’s three of her favorite children’s movie (including The Red Balloon, but not The Wizard of Oz that they were sold out of).  May says she likes Michelle, and Danny is a nice guy caught in a bad situation but the danger is real. She hopes now that the baby is here, Michelle is motivated to cut a deal for her and Danny. Danny comes in having overheard the conversation. Danny: “What kind of deal?” May congratulates Danny on the baby and tries to lie about why she is there. Danny doesn’t let up. Michelle tells her she has to tell Danny the truth. Michelle tells him that she is FBI and that she is trying to find out info on Danny and the other families. May introduces herself as Mary Murdo, FBI special agent. Danny tells Mary she put out for her government. All of his instincts told him that her bimbo act couldn’t be real. She says she really likes old movies and most of all she told him was the truth. She tells Danny that they have to get down to business, federal business. She tries to gets tough. Danny tells May she doesn’t have anything on him. She tells him she does. He tells her to prove it or get out of there. Michelle tells Danny to listen to May. Danny doesn’t want to, but Michelle thinks May can help them. May says she has been authorized to cut him a deal. She can offer him immunity in exchange for his testifying. But she assures him she has enough to send him to jail. She reminds him that his parents are dead and he could be next. She tells him there is a contract out on him and she wonders why he isn’t taking the threat seriously. She asks him to at least meet with her boss. She gives him a phone number and tells him to think about it and get back to her soon. May leaves. Danny says May set him up and he will not help her. Michelle wants him to think about her offer. Danny says he gave his grandmother his word not to betray the other families. Michelle says he should at least talk to May’s boss. Danny says this only proves he will never have peace. Michelle strokes Danny’s shoulder. Danny is worried and says either way he loses. He can either be killed for ratting out his family or spend the rest of his life in jail. He wishes his child had a father he could look up to. Michelle says they will come through it as a family. Danny only wishes he had her faith.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlQ800if6pk (Part 1)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hmB4-_VzRs (Part 2)

Tues., March 20, 2001 – At the Bauers: Michelle is watching the baby sleep. Danny is talking to her about May and the feds. Michelle tells him that May doesn’t want him to go to prison; she wants to cut him a deal. Danny asks Michelle how long she has known about May. Michelle tells Danny the whole story and how May had probably already gotten into the computer. Danny hopes May had so many headaches trying because there was nothing illegal on it. He tells Michelle he only used a laptop at the house to do anything the feds would find suspicious. Michelle asks if the laptop is still at the house but he tells her he brought it there and he will go destroy the hard drive so there will be no record. Michelle doesn’t think May has a case and that is why she needs Danny’s testimony. Danny says even without a case the Feds can still destroy their lives. Danny says the Feds have a lot of leeway with the RICOH statutes, and they can seize his assets. They can seize the clubs and the shirts off their backs just to apply pressure. Michelle says that doesn’t sound fair. Danny says that is the way the federal government works. Michelle offers to put everything in her name since they are divorced but Danny says it doesn’t work that way. Michelle says it is just “things” and they will survive. Danny says it is like a house of cards, and the other families will see the pressure he is under. Danny says people turn against each other and the feds know this. They are just as ruthless as the mob but they will use the law instead of violence. They will pressure everyone he knows, including Michelle’s family. They will all be buried in red tape and everyone they care about will be in a living hell. The feds will go after Michelle the most trying to get her to talk. Michelle says she is worried about them finding out he the truth about how Carmen died. But she promises she would never tell. Danny says she doesn’t realize how sneaky they can be. Michelle tells him she knows how to get them to leave her out of it and asks him to marry her. Danny says he would love to marry Michelle again for many reasons but not for that. Even besides that it is possible that they will still make her testify but he doubts it, since the prosecutor will see her as a hostile witness. Michelle thinks they can beat them at their own game. She holds out her left hand and says her finger is empty. He tells her it does look naked. She tells him that it is a shame that the unwed mother of his illegitimate son has a naked finger. Danny tells her that they are still married in God’s eyes and he has always felt married to her. Michelle says she also feels married to him but would like it more official. Danny agrees to marry her ASAP. She tells him that was such a romantic proposal so he tries again. He kneels at her feet, takes her hands and asks her to marry him for the fourth time. She says she would marry him 100 times and they kiss. Danny looks at Robert. He and Michelle are holding hands. Danny wants to protect Michelle and his son. She tells him to take it one step at a time. She suggests leaving town. Danny says they are beyond that and he doesn’t feel that is any longer an option. The first step is for him to meet May’s boss and find out what she knows. He can let them think he will cut a deal until he can get the info he needs. He thinks he can buy time to figure out his next move. Danny thinks all May could possibly have is maybe wiretap information or some conversations. He goes upstairs and destroys the hard drive of the computer. He comes back down and calls May. He tells her to set up a meeting. She tells him she will be in touch and hangs up. Michelle thinks this could be a blessing in disguise. Danny hopes so because he thinks it could be the biggest mistake of his life.

(Proposal – Bare finger)

Michelle wiggles her bare finger.

Danny “What’s that about?”

Michelle “This is a bare finger pal, where there should be a gold band.”
Danny “It does look kind of naked.”
Michelle:  ”Yeah, the naked finger on the exhausted, postpartum body of the unwed mother of your illegitimate son.”

Danny: ”That doesn’t sound good.”

Michelle: “That’s because it isn’t.”

Danny: “We’re still married in God’s eyes. I still feel married to you.”

Michelle: “And I to you, but if it’s all the same to you I’d like it in writing all nice and official. My finger is feeling a tad insecure and that kid over there needs a last name.”

Danny: “OK, let’s do it. Let’s get married again as soon as possible.”

Michelle: “Oh what a romantic proposal, I may faint from joy.”

Danny: “That was kind of lame. I admit that. (gets down on one knee and kisses her knee) Michelle Bauer Santos Bauer Santos Bauer Santos Bauer will you marry me for the fourth time.”

Michelle: “I’d marry you 100 times, Danny.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IF3gJE-II74 (Part 1)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxNOoSTX7Gs (Part 2)

An alternative version, I think it has a little more of this conversation:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWr1y6c0hTE

Comments:

I don’t understand why the Bauer living room was used so rarely (I haven’t found one scene with Joie in it yet) and so frequently during Nancy’s run. Not that object to it being used in Nancy’s run, it’s one of my favorite sets, but I find it odd.

I’m glad Danny told Michelle about the threats, things only work out for them if they didn’t keep secrets and that Michelle soon reciprocates about May. This version of Abuela is evil, but she’s not lying. She did try. She only betrayed Danny because it was the easiest way to save her own neck. This early Robbie/ Michelle scene is just SO beautiful.

Paul Anthony Stewart does a wonderful job with this scene. I understand why Danny is furious, but honestly it’s his own fault his go to when he thinks he’s lost Michelle forever is to get drunk and grab the nearest willing woman. The fact that Danny is slowly turning over a new leaf is shown in the way he can now with all honesty say “Those cops happen to be our friends.” He can completely mean the friend and the our part now which he never could have a year ago.

And THERE is the first on screen mention of Gus Aitoro. Even just standing there Danny can’t help touching Michelle putting a hand on her shoulder and moving his finger back and forth. It is a nice conversation around the proposal. This attitude that Michelle wants it to be legal makes FAR more sense then the ridiculous storyline around their next wedding where Michelle isn’t sure if she wants to make it legal, especially because all along they ARE married in the eyes of church because they never get an annulment.

Danny’s argument to go to jail makes sense, but is partly just his guilt complex at work. I’m glad he’s got Aunt Meta to talk with here. From now until the end is really the only time Danny really has someone older and wiser to turn to. There’s a Mike Bauer sized hole in the overall Manny storyline. Mike Bauer would have added so much as an older, serious man of the world, but on the right side of the law for Danny to confide in.

 

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 9

April 15, 2014

Republisher’s Note: Sorry I flipped the order on these two, that’s what I get when I worked ahead.

Author’s Note: This story is NC-17.

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 9 - The Desolation of His Heart

The door slams behind me, its sound a distant thud in my mind. I take off his overcoat and let it drop to the floor. I don’t care. I walk from the living room to the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, I wonder if I’m hungry. Before I’ve even answered the question, I’ve closed the door and walked out of the room. I suppose Danny is upstairs in bed.

I don’t want to face him. Not yet. I can’t.

I enter the living room again and note that the fire has burnt out. Without thought, I start it up again and then curl in the chair by its slowly simmering warmth. I listen for the sound of his footsteps. They do not come. He must not want to see me either right now.

Good, I think as my lids shut. The fire crackles before me, the wind howls outside. Life swirls around me, but inside I am dead. Dead like Nino. Dead like Mick.

I am dead.

______________________

The chill in the room wakes me. I glance over at the fireplace, surprised that Danny didn’t keep it going. This isn’t the first time I’ve fallen asleep down here, studying, reading; normally he covers me up and makes sure I’m comfortable. Sometimes, he picks me up and carries me to bed.

I stretch and rise to my feet, yawning widely.

“Danny?” I call out and glance at the clock on the mantle. It’s just after six; he should still be home. “Danny?” I call again as I head up the stairs, wondering idly why my mind is such a blank. As my hand trails along the banister, I notice bruising around my wrist. Pausing, I inspect one wrist and then the other nearly identical marks on each one.

“Why…” I begin and then in a rush everything comes flooding back .

The phone ringing, if you want to see your husband before he dies I suggest you come down to Dock 17. Rummaging through the drawer of scarves and ties, looking for the gun.

Nino smiling, his face bruised and bloodied.

The look on his face as he stared at my body. You first. My finger pressing down on the trigger. The sound of bullets hitting into flesh. Danny on the ground bleeding. I killed a man because I love you.

Throwing a bucket of dirty water onto bloody concrete.

Danny knocking me to the floor in answer to my desperate sexual need. Mick’s eyes. The feel of the spring flowers tickling my face as I lay on my mother’s grave. This is about Drew being there that night. You lied to me.

I wish to God that I didn’t love you. I see the woman that I thank God every day is in my life. I see the one who has brought me peace, who makes me feel whole.

If you want to see your husband alive The sound of bullets hitting into flesh. My mother’s grave. You lied to me. I wish to God that I didn’t love you. I see the one who has brought me peace.

“Danny!” I cry his name as I run frantically up the stairs. “Danny! Danny!” and then I am at our bedroom door and my flight stops as I see what he has done.

______________________

Drawers are open, clothes spilling out. My dressing table is covered with spilt powder, my perfumes, makeup, hairbrush and accessories scattered across the top and falling onto the floor. The sheets are ripped off of the bed, pillows all around the room. The closet is opened and three of our four suitcases are falling haphazardly from their position.

I step into the room slowly and my eyes continue to gaze at the ruin before me, unable to comprehend, unable to admit to myself what this means.

I think of last night, my words, his words at my mother’s grave

I killed a man because I love you. That is what I have become because I love you.

“You wish you didn’t love me? You wish is that what you see when you look at me? Someone you love despite yourself?”

“Yes,”

“When I look at you, I see the woman I love. I see the woman that I thank God every day is in my life. I see the one who has brought me peace, who makes me feel whole. I see the woman I love with everything in me. Everything good I have ever been, everything good I am capable of being I see when I look at you. And you see a man you wish you didn’t love.”

“Sorry to disturb you. Sorry to disturb your life.”

I crawl onto the bed and try and swallow over the lump forming in my throat. The tears are scalding hot down my face, burning my skin. I stretch out across the bed, burying my face within the folds of the crumpled, displaced sheets desperately trying to find a trace of his scent, his presence.

“I wish to God that I didn’t love you.”

“I see the one who has brought me peace.”

I wish to God that I didn’t love you.
I wish to God that I didn’t love you.
I wish to God that I didn’t love you.
I wish to God that I didn’t love you.

I open my eyes and look about the room, seeing the desolation of his heart in its horrible chaos.

He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone. He is gone.

Retcon Tattoo Tony

April 14, 2014

I’m starting a new series tonight. We’re going to look at what I think are some of the biggest retcon’s in Guiding Light history. Some of these are for the better and some are definitely for the worse. Our opening post is definitely the later. I call this Retcon Tattoo Tony Santos.

Tattoo Tony Santos ~ I can deal with recasts and re-imagining of characters. You have to as a soap fan, but somehow, someway Tony didn’t survive the recast for me. There was just nothing left of the man I had known and liked. He barely knew who Marah was. He was covered with tattoos (to save the makeup dept. from having to cover up the actor’s real life ones). He betrayed Danny repeatedly. He became totally obsessed with having a relationship (I don’t think he even considered love or romantic, I don’t know what to call it so I’ll leave it at obsessed) with Gus Aitoro’s adopted sister, Eden August, who killed his father. As Tony had felt this was one of the worst things that ever happened to him, amazingly he didn’t see this as anything he should be mad about after finding out she did even though Eden wasn’t even sorry over causing his father’s death. There was no real parallel to Danny and Michelle, it wasn’t self-defense, she just deliberately killed him and was kind of crazy and creepy to boot. I just cannot make my mind accept that this is the same man as Ray’s little brother and Danny’s protege cousin and Marah’s soulmate. I can’t explain it. I have not had this happen with any other character on any soap. I always think of them separately, Tony and Tattoo Tony. Tattoo Tony did many terrible things to Danny and Michelle always convincing himself that it was “the right thing” to do. I’ll not further rehash the dark days of the amnesia story here, except to say by his death (he let go of Michelle’s hand knowing she couldn’t save both him and Danny and in trying to she might fall herself) he partially redeemed himself. If my “real” Tony had realized that somehow he’d done all these things to Manny, he’d have killed himself too. I much prefer to think that Tattoo Tony was some more distant Santos cousin and the real Tony is still out there somewhere, having or waiting for his chance to reunite with his Marah.

This retcon strongly impacted the Bauer, Lewis, and of course the Santos families. The deep, dark, best forgotten amnesia storyline meant that Michelle unbelievably got involved with this new Tony (clear sign of the massive head injury she received, but no one seemed interested in treating) who no longer saw her as the big sister he always wanted and respected. It also cut off Marah Lewis’s throughline. Marah had two, an interest in design as a profession and a supercouple pairing with Tony. While Marony looked at a first shallow, glance like a Manny copy, truly they were much more original than that and in fact actually are much closer to Jeva both in storyline and couple temperament. Without that epic love story Marah floundered from one weak storyline to another finally ending up with Daddy issues personified Jeffery O’Neill before being swept off the canvas all together. The Lewis family really never recovered from her loss as the central force in the new generation of the Lewis family (despite Reva’s seemingly never ending parade of sudden sons). Finally, the triad that was the foundation of the Santos family Ray-Tony-Danny was destroyed and it was really the end of the Santos family as a force when this foundation was shattered. It also damaged Ray-Danny relationship as Ray repeatedly chose Tony over Danny to the point that their trust was broken. It was a terrible retcon that reorganized the canvas, not in a good way.

Robansuefarm is the handle of one of Manny and Guiding Light‘s biggest fans following in her family’s footsteps of Guiding Light fandom since 1939. This blog is an effort to make it easy to find Guiding Light and especially Manny online. Check back here for her blog, find fanfic previews and fake WSPR newscasts on her YouTube, find podcasts that look back to old shows and audios of her fanfics on Blog Talk Radio, and finally follow her on Twitter and Facebook.

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 10

April 13, 2014

Republisher’s Note: Michelle has driven Danny away. This a bit of strange fanfic because Michelle and Cassie remain close friends. That didn’t really happen on screen and as a general rule most Manny fans aren’t that found of Cassie it doesn’t happen in many fanfics either. If you like her, you’ll love this.

Author’s Note: This story is NC-17.

The Long Walk Into His Arms by JenniferH Chapter 10 - Only the Love

I am still wearing his shirt. My hair is not brushed. I haven’t eaten. I am a mess. And I don’t care.
“Michelle, let me make you some soup?” Cassie’s voice comes from a distance. I shake my head. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want anything.She begins to speak again and then stops. Out of the corner of my eye I see her slump back onto the sofa. We we’re supposed to meet for lunch today. Of course I didn’t show up. And so she came here. And I told her everything. My voice emotionless dead. She just listened and I just talked and talked. If she was shocked that I killed another man, she didn’t say. She already knew about Mick. She already knew why Danny and I originally married.The joys of bonding during rescue missions.At last I look up at her.

“He’s gone. He left. He didn’t even leave a note. Why should he?” And then I am crying. “How could he do this to me? How could he leave me?!” And then she is beside me, holding on as I cry, incoherent words stumbling from my lips and then everything boils down to one word, why?

She pulls back and looks at me, pushing my hair back. “Sweetie, I know you’re going through a lot right now, I can’t even begin to guess….” but she trails off and looks away. She can’t even meet my eyes.

“What?”

“Michelle, when you told him that you wished you didn’t love him, you just, well, you ripped him apart, you broke his heart, you basically said I don’t want your love, I don’t want you, but hey I can’t help myself. You struck away his belief of your togetherness.”

“But I love him. He knows I love him.”

“Michelle,” and she looks at me again, “yes, you love him, but you told him that if you had the choice you wouldn’t. You rejected him. You said he wasn’t worthy of you. No, you didn’t exactly say that, but you broke his heart.”

And then the tears overtake me again. “I didn’t mean -”

“-I know. I know that. And I’m sure he realizes that too, but still, it’s gotta hurt. Michelle, tell me this: Do you honestly wish you didn’t love him?”

I shake my head, but my words belie the action, “but things would be so different. I’d be happier. It’s because I love him that I’ve done the things I have.”

“Michelle, you can’t blame Danny for your actions. And what you did last night you were protecting him. Almost any woman in love would do the exact same thing. That’s love. You look out for that person, you want them safe. When Hart died, he died because he took the bullet that Dinah meant for me. And Michelle, if I had had the means, I would have killed Dinah if it would have saved Hart’s life.”

I look up at her, and she meets my gaze steadily despite the sheen of tears there.

“Cassie, I’m sorry…”

“No,” she shakes her head slightly and brushes a falling tear away. “This is about you. Now, I’m asking you again: Do you really wish you didn’t love him? Think about it. Would you really give up all of the joy and the love that you have known with him because of the bad times?”

“Well,” I close my eyes, my head hurts. I can’t think. I’m so confused. I see Nino and Mick and Danny and everything is swirling together in this cacophony of noise in my brain. And then her voice reaches in, calm and clear and restores some sanity.

“Are the good times good enough that they are worth the bad times? Ask yourself that. If you had the choice, would you give up every happy moment with him, if it meant that you wouldnt have had to experience any of the bad? Is the good worth the bad?” Cassie sits back and looks at me, the clarity of her gaze demanding an answer.

______________________

“Michelle, if the answer is no, than he was right to walk away. But if the answer is yes, then get yourself cleaned up, girl, and you go find him and you tell him that. You tell him that you were crazy with grief and guilt and panic and whatever else last night and you weren’t thinking and you were wrong. You were so wrong to say what you did.”

I close my eyes, my head shaking back forth. Suddenly her hands are on my shoulders and she is jolting me out of my refusal.

“What is your answer?” And her voice is firm. I turn my head to the side. “Michelle, yes or no? Is the good worth the bad?”

I slowly open my eyes and look at her. “Yes,” and then my eyes close again, tears seeping from beneath my lids, “yes.”

“Okay,” she lets go of me and stands up. “Get up.”

“I can’t -”

“Oh, yes, you can. You get up, you get ready and you go and find him.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” And her foot is tapping on the floor, the rat-a-tat-a-tat pounding in my brain.

“Because he hates me. Because he left me. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have left, he wouldn’t have walked out like that. When he comes back here, I’ll talk to -”

“– Michelle! Listen to yourself,” she interrupts me, refusing me my self-pity. “I know you are upset, but think about Danny. No, think about your relationship. If you don’t go to him, the distance between you is going to grow. And if he does come back, a part of him will always wonder, always think that you don’t really want to be with him. You don’t really love him.”

“Cassie,” and my voice is withering. Who the hell does she think she is? “He knows that I love him. He knows that.”

“Why? Because you told him that you love him despite wishing to God you didn’t? Is that how he knows? Is that how you want him to think of you loving him?” She sits back down next to me and her voice is softer. “Michelle, I’ve been in love before and I’ve seen people in love before, but the only other couple I’ve seen who love each other as much as you and Danny do is my sister and Josh.”

“When the two of you are together, there’s like some invisible connection between you. That doesn’t come along everyday. Most people live their entire lives without feeling anything even remotely like that. But you have it. Now, when you’re so young, when the both of you have the rest of your lives to be together – whether it be a year or sixty you have true love, the kind they write fairytales about. Do NOT throw that feeling away because of your pride.”

I look at her and she looks so sincere, but I can’t.

“It’s not my pride,” I say softly, she doesn’t understand.

“Then what it is?” And her voice is so quiet, she is trying so hard to help me, but she doesn’t understand. I look away. I stand up and turn my back to her and when I speak, it is barely in a whisper.

“It’s my shame.”

______________________

Cassie is quiet as am I. I walk over to the fireplace and gaze at the pictures on the mantle. One of my father and mother. Rick and Abby. Aunt Meta. Bridget, Dylan and Peter. Carmen, Pilar and Ray. Alan-Michael and Lucy. And our wedding picture — our secret smile captured on film. I reach out and carefully pick up the gilded frame, my finger tracing his face, the smile on his lips.

Move in closer, the photographer cajoled as we stood away from our guests, wrapped in each other’s arms, posing for posterity.

A huge grin lit Danny’s face, okay, and a slightly self-conscious smile curved my lips as the photographer commanded, okay, now hold hands. Danny and I clasped hands rather awkwardly and the cameraman demurred, nah, nah, nah, not like this.

“Okay, not like this,” Danny repeated as we tried a different handhold. The photographer stepped over to us and re-arranged our hands, laying one on top of the other, “like this, both hands,” he explained.

With laughter in his voice, Danny commented, “I guess we should have skipped Psych and taken, uh, wedding reception 101.”

I laughed at his joke as the photographer stepped back and we leaned our heads in close, smiling broadly as the camera snapped. “All right, now, I want you to look into each other’s eyes, come’on.” Danny’s smile dimmed slightly, but obediently he turned to look at me, “look into each other’s eyes,” the photographer repeated, and smile your secret smile.

Laughter danced at the edges of our grins as I repeated in bemusement, “secret smile?” and a slight chuckle emerged from Danny as he leaned forward, resting his forehead against mine.

“All right, right there. Beautiful!” the photographer congratulated as he took his shot.

“Michelle?” Cassie’s voice is soft behind me. “Pride or shame doesn’t matter. Only love. You love him. Let him know that you love him, that you would always choose to love him. Give him that security, give him that much. You have it. You know how much he loves you. Give him the same confidence. Nothing else matters. Only the love.”

“Only the love,” I repeat quietly and turn to look at her. “It’s so hard. I don’t know how to face him. I don’t…” I trailed off and the tears were in my eyes.

“Do you love him?”

My gaze returns to our secret smile and I nod. I love him so much. So much.

“Then you do know how.”

James Rebhorn aka Bradley Raines

April 10, 2014

James Rebhorn (Bradley Raines, Lillian’s ex-husband and Beth’s abusive adoptive father) died on Friday, March 21, 2014 at his home in South Orange, N.J. He was 65. His agent, Dianne Busch, gave melanoma as the cause of death.

I didn’t get this post out as soon as I would have liked, partly due to busyness in real life, but also because it really was something of a shock. The initial delay anyway was good because it allowed me to gather up others’s posts about it in one place. Rebhorn was a brilliant actor whose chilling psychological portrait of Bradley Raines loomed large in the Springfield landscape decades after his departure from the show. I named him number 5 on my Worst Parents of Springfield List. Bradley Raines  was a key factor in the Four Musketeers story. Bradley was Beth’s adopted father (she took his last name since her biological parents never married and her biological father was killed in Vietnam, although why she continued to use it later in life continues to totally baffle me. Lillian at least had the excuse her certificates and professional reputation was in that name.). Bradley was physically and emotionally abusive to Beth and for a long while Lillian was in denial about how bad it was. A frequent line of Bradley’s during this time that has become an inside joke for the actors involved: “Shut up, Lillian, and get me a beer.” Lillian was grateful for Bradley having saved her from unwed motherhood and tried her best to force the family to work.

Eventually Bradley raped Beth and she and Phillip went on the run to New York City, closely followed by Rick and Mindy kicking off the Four Musketeers most iconic storyline. Bradley wasn’t just a creep though, he played in the big leagues blackmailing Alan Spaulding after he found out about Phillip’s true parentage. Eventually Bradley was sent to jail, but his previous treatment of Beth help trigger her hysterical amnesia during which she assumed dead by everyone in town, the first time. After Beth returned from the dead, the first time, Bradley was released from jail and wanted to prove he was reformed and make amends. Beth wasn’t having any of it. He did make one final gesture, leaving her the only thing of value he had at the time of his death in his will, a silver mine. This mine became a focal point when Beth fought her alter Loreli Hills for control (after her second time being assumed dead and returning), Beth finally won when she and Phillip were trapped in the mine and inspired by having to save Phillip’s life, Beth took full control.

Rebhorn continued to work widely after his time in Springfield and is a very familiar face, if not name, to both movie and TV show fans. He was a busy character actor and had lots of credits all the way through 2013 with lots of recurring roles on various series at any given time. Find a list of his credits:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0714310/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

Finally, in Rebhorn‘s honor, with all due love, respect, and affection, “Shut up, Lillian, and get me a beer.” You and work work will be missed.

New York Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/24/movies/james-rebhorn-character-actor-dies-at-65.html

CBS Soaps in Depth: Tina Sloan (Lillian  Raines) and Judi Evans (Beth Raines Spaulding #1) Remember Rebhorn:
http://cbs.soapsindepth.com/2014/03/co-stars-remember-rebhorn.html

We Love Soaps:
http://www.welovesoaps.net/2014/03/james-rebhorn-dead-at-65.html

Variety:
http://variety.com/2014/voices/columns/james-rebhorn-remembering-the-quintessential-character-actor-1201143849/

Hollywood Reporter:
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/james-rebhorn-dead-homeland-white-690464

Rebhorn Wrote his own Obituary:
http://www.deadline.com/2014/03/actor-james-rebhorn-pens-his-final-curtain-call-read-the-obit-he-wrote-for-himself

Robansuefarm is the handle of one of Manny and Guiding Light‘s biggest fans following in her family’s footsteps of Guiding Light fandom since 1939. This blog is an effort to make it easy to find Guiding Light and especially Manny online. Check back here for her blog, find fanfic previews and fake WSPR newscasts on her YouTube, find podcasts that look back to old shows and audios of her fanfics on Blog Talk Radio, and finally follow her on Twitter and Facebook.


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