The Mannyac Basic Training Manual By Kristie

From The Rustle of the Sheets

Gather around troops. Please stand at attention with your toes on the line, look straight ahead, and listen up! Don’t you eyeball me — herewith is your Mannyac Basic Training Manual. Let’s go over some of the basic guidelines and principles shall we?

Uniforms – The standard issue will be dark denim unisex dungarees paired with a pink sweater for the femmes and a black, see through gauzy shirt for the hommes. Black leather jackets will be worn year round. Leather is an animal-product and it should breathe in the sweltering heat. We are afterall, Mannyacs, and we do not perspire. Besides which, it looks so cool and it generally means the wearer will “get lucky” within a 24 hour period. Furthermore, there is apparently no protective headgear to be issued at this time. It is our experience that any bullets zinging your way are blanks and bombs are easily defused by your local hunky computer geek.

Grooming – Strict attention to cleanliness is a requirement for all squadrons. You will pair off into male and female and then proceed to the shower barracks wherein you will take fully-clothed cold showers in said pairs until you sink to the ground together from hypothermia, or from the sheer exhaustion of circling each other with no satisfaction for the first 5 months of your pairing. For men, hair will be cropped short and kept that way until the cigar-chomping General says otherwise. For women all hair will be endlessly ironed and straightened until General directs otherwise. Our directives also claim that sea foam green and powder blue eye shadow are making a comeback – please use accordingly ladies.

Saluting your Superiors and Inferiors – In this goof troop we use a two fingered “Santos Salute” (hereafter referred to as “SS”) as our honor acknowledgement of choice. It is performed thus, take your right hand, put the index and middle fingers together and there you have the Santos salute. You will find this salute to have multi-purposes. When in the presence of superiors bring it sharply up to your forehead and do not release until your commanding officer tells you “At Ease.” When you are frustrated, do not shout, do not draw attention to yourself, simply offer a quick “SS” stab at the air and you will feel much better. If you are seething with anger, try a right “SS”, then a left “SS”, and then offer the simultaneous screw you double “SS” with both hands. This is the trademark gesticulation of the Mannyac troops. It can also double as a nifty secret handshake.

Arms – The men and women are to be issued different weaponry. For women, you will be given a standard 6 inch Ginsu butcher knife with comfortable black plastic handle. When a female enlistee finds herself in defense mode, she can brandish it at her would-be attacker waving wildly while he moves closer in for the kiss, er I mean, kill. Of course you will find the knife to be of no use once said attacker turns you on, at which time we do recommend you find a nice farmhouse table onto which you can dramatically drop the knife and tell attacker “I can’t live like this anymore,” meanwhile praying to yourself, “just shut up and take me now, you fool.”

As for the men, you will be issued one standard cordless Makita drill with an extra battery pack. This is a multi-purpose weapon: It can be used to maim or kill, or with the appropriate drill bit it can be used to permanently screw shut the mean-spirited mouths of any family member who does not respect your love choices (read: mother, sister, or brother-in-law.) Find yourself locked in a room with a ticking bomb? Use that cordless drill to remove the hinges from the door and you can run like hell for the parking lot yelling “You go, Bill! defuse that bomb!” And while you’re at it, get Pilar to pull that little green wire marked ‘Kaboom’.” Of course, certain officers have also found the cordless drill to be a nifty nookie toy – but we recommend you proceed with caution and don’t use it in high-speed mode …

Both men and women are encouraged to use the “SS” as a defense mechanism if you find yourselves without your standard weapon. A quick jab in the solar plexus with the “SS” will render any foe speechless. We recommend that you practice this technique on our dummy we’ve nicknamed the Jesster. A surprise move might be to separate the fingers from your “SS” and pull a Larry, Moe, and Curly and jab your enemy in the eyes, followed up by a “Woooowoooowooowoo” and a swift fist to the top of the head.

Housing – In this para-military organization all troops will sleep outside on a woodsy iron bed covered in pretty PINK roses. Our aim is to make lean, mean, fighting machines out of you. There are to be no sissy tents or cabins to save you from the inclement weather. We do recommend that you hose down with Deep Woods Off prior to going beddy bye, in order to keep the creepy crawlies away. Just be certain that if you get amorous with your bed partner you don’t go kissing on any exposed body parts. We will not call Poison Control for you. At the sound of the Tinkerbell chimes at 6 a.m. you are to rise, don your uniforms, and convene in the mess hall for breakfast.

Communications – All recruits will be given cellular phones and pagers with the complete understanding that in order to avoid the dreaded coitus interruptus, phones and pagers will be thrown at full force to the ground in the heat of passion.

The Mess Hall – Here in the Mannyac military organization we like to offer a wide variety of grub. Your choices will include: eggs, potatoes, copious amounts of salad which never seem to get eaten, and little chocolates in the centers of which you will find a big enough sedative to knock your lights out for a good 24 hour period. The only beverages we serve are Jack and Coke, Scotch, tequila shooters, and the occasional Margarita, on the rocks, no salt.

Secret Passwords – We have occasionally found spies infiltrating our organization. Therefore, in order to distinguish a Mannyac from an imposter, these certain passwords are allowed as identification. The following must be said while doing the hangdog thing with your head: “You are beautiful,” “I promise,” “Wet puppy,” and “I’ll protect you with my life.” These must be uttered while craning your neck to look up to possible spy: “I will never love you,” “Can’t you tell?” “I am your life,” and “Get me out of this freakin’ loony bin or I’m divorcing you.”

At ease, you are dismissed —
Captain Kristie



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