Much Ado About Danny and Michelle By Melissa

Republisher’s Note: This is a humor piece that I’m republishing from Rustle of the Sheets. Online fans gave Jesse the name The Walking Vegetable – which is both mean and you kind of see what they mean. Manny fans are known as Mannyacs and I’m sure you recognize the references to the I Am A Man speech.


Disclaimers : Guiding Light and the characters of Danny and Michelle belong to CBS, Proctor and Gamble, Paul Rauch and of course, Paul Anthony Stewart and Joie Lenz — who breathe incredible life into them.

Rating : PG for Bard-Speak.

~ ~ ~Much Ado About Danny and Michelle
(with profuse apologies to that Shakespeare guy)


Dramatis Personae:

Daniel (Danny) Santos
Michelle Bauer (Santos)
Carmen Santos
TWV (The Walking Vegetable)


Scene 1: Manny reunion in private.

Michelle: Sweet and dangerous Danny, wouldst thou take this ring back as a token of our marriage, real this time?

Danny: Yea, my love. And, I pray thee now, tell me for which of my bad parts didst thou first fall in love with me?

Michelle: For them all together; thine expressive eyes and seductive voice, thy arousing ‘I am a MAN!’ speeches, thy intellect and thy dark, dangerous streak; all awakening me and my repressed passions. But for which of my good parts did you first suffer love for me?

Danny: ‘Suffer love!’ a good epithet! I do suffer love indeed. I have long been without thee, and in much need of consummation. But I do love thee against my will, as I have to defy my family’s vendetta against thee.

Michelle: In spite of your heart, your memories of Mick and the FBI bust at the docks, me thinks. Alas poor heart! If you spite it for my sake, I will spite it for yours; for love, I should not, that which my Aunt Meta thinks is a Mafia Prince.

Danny: Thou and I are too wise to woo peaceably.

~~~Scene 2: Some time later, at the church, when they are about to exchange vows …

Danny: Do not you love me?

Michelle: Why, no. No more than reason.

Danny: Why, then the Manny-ac Board and their gazillion posts, TPTB and the plot have been deceived and thus tricked me; they swore you did.

Michelle: Do not you love me?

Danny: Troth, no. No more than reason.

Michelle: Why, then the Manny sites and your grandmother are much deceived; for they did swear you did.

Danny: They swore that you have been dreaming blazing hot, lustful dreams about me.

Michelle: They swore that you would send Morticia to the FBI for me!

Danny: ‘Tis no matter. Then you do not love me, though I am a MAN! and not a walking vegetable?

Michelle: No, truly, but in pity and sorrowful recompense.

(Carmen and TWV see their chance of reclaiming what they think is theirs and run to the couple to separate them, but little do they know … )

Carmen: Come, my son. You once rid yourself of this girl and you can do it again, I beseech thee. And I’ll gladly dig the hole to make the separation permanent.

TWV: Uhh … What are my lines again? Oh yeah — Michelle, you love me, and can never love him the way you love me. So come, and run away with me.

(Meanwhile, the Manny-acs, with umpteen tapes of Manny scenes and websites with pictures, essays and fanfic, come to the real rescue.)

Manny-acs: Come, come Michelle. We know you love and desire the MAN! We certainly do! And we’ll be sworn upon’t that he loves you. For here are printed copies of our posts, tapes of your steamy scenes together, links to sites dedicated to your relationship, and a stolen plot from TPTB that says you HAVE to be together.

Danny: A miracle! Here’s our own lips, fans and writers telling against our protestations. Come, I will have thee; but by this light, I take thee, not just to see my mother squirm, but because I am a MAN in need of my wife under the rustle of the sheets with me.

Michelle: I should deny you, for your life spun out of control because of me. But by this good day and just to be rid of this walking imbecile of a vegetable, I yield upon great persuasion, for I, too, need a MAN to pluck and ripen me.

Danny: Peace! I will stop your mouth.

(He kisses her, and there is great hurrah-ing among the Manny-acs. Enter Ray, the priest)

Ray: How dost thou, Danny, the married man. How now of thy Romeo days?

Danny: Hey man, that’s the wrong play! But glad am I to see you here at this joyful reunion of mine with Michelle.

Danny: (to the whole group who’ve gathered round and are cheering) Come, come we are friends. Let’s have a dance and merriment, that we may lighten our hearts while we wait for the complex and hopefully brilliantly-written excitements that TPTB throw our way.

The End


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